One Dae at a Time

Sunday, January 10, 2021

Broken Hearts in America

This week. This week was defined for us all by the attack on the US Capitol by those who followed their leader over the Constitution. They were demanding something that goes against our Constitution, and were willing to kill over it. The images I saw this week made me sick, along with basically all other Republicans and Democrats. Watching live front lines video footage and pictures made me literally nauseous and shake with anger.

This week was also the first time I went straight to the internet with my own thoughts in that physical state. I posted in rage. I used shaming words and I felt such disdain for the portion of America that has fueled a leader who fuels hate and violence. (The irony is not lost on me.) I felt utter contempt that they played a part in letting it get this far, only to then be "equally disgusted" that this was happening. I lost friendships. I don't mourn them. Because what happened after that was a week spent talking with countless friends who agree and disagree with me, and we healed together. I stand by my words of being ashamed if you think Donald Trump stands on the right side of history but wish I could add this to the statement -- THAT DAY. If you stand by his actions THAT DAY, and listen to the words he spoke and the way he fueled that crowd, and what he encouraged Mike Pence to do (which he did not have constitutional power to do even if he believed in doing what the president asked), then the problems you played a part in are deeply, deeply damaging to democracy and to people's lives. People were killed that day by the very worst of our country. If you support the way he has navigated the election outcome and what he did that day, my words stand.

But for all of the others, those who were disappointed in the president that day and aching for our country, even those with plenty of other policy differences between us, we connected and helped each other heal. I have spoken to more people in my life this week than I did all of last year. Each conversation, from those on my same page those on different pages, left me more hopeful than I knew I could be on that dark Wednesday afternoon. I absolutely love this country and pray for healing. I am so disappointed in the way we let our country be held in the hands of someone who cared about personal gain and division more than serving the presidential office with the respect it deserves. The Republican party has major healing to do, and so does America as a whole. I had countless conversations this week that feel this pain of division on a nuclear family level, and it's heart wrenching for us all. We're entering a time when you can have your own facts and feel certain of them. Where is the common ground to be had with those rules? Where do we go from there? But we have to try.

I'm including pictures to keep my memories of this week raw when I scroll through this post in future years, because this week does not deserve to be watered down by memory. This week was the culmination of serious ugliness in our country feeling emboldened over the last four years.

So much else feels trivial to write about from the week, but also, when I got out of social media and the news and played games with my boys or learned of health struggles friends are going through or heard happy news (yay new nephew! We love you Rachel and Spencer!) I was reminded that the part of our life that matters most are the parts filled with love. I could have done better at spreading love this week rather than being vocal in my darkest moments, but I also stand by my feelings and love so many people in my life even more after experiencing this trying time in our country together.

Michael kept studying for boards this week, and shared some of his own thoughts publicly for the first time about current politics. Westin learned how to make toast and pour cereal and has felt SO BIG and so happy "making breakfast for everybody!" Bennett went to school two days this week and told me about how (unnamed boy who he's said is mean to him) is his friend now because they help each other. Camden stands up on his own and claps for himself every time, and loves to do it while I'm working out. It's like we're getting stronger together. He also climbed up our little set of two stairs by our living room all by himself this week, and has started liking utensils more when he's eating.

I love my boys so much. There was a lot of light and darkness in this week.

From this heavily filtered old school Insta photo you can probably guess this isn’t a recent shot. It’s from my 2011 summer in DC I spent interning for a — surprise! — super conservative lobbying firm. I spent the summer doing grunt work for a group of people who believe taxes should never be raised, ever, while learning all sorts of things about myself, including the fact that I definitely believe in raising taxes when good needs to be done. I like driving on roads. And seeing my own privilege.

You better believe it was a summer of inner turmoil, in more ways than one if you really know me (long-distance dating, 0/10, would not recommend). But it was an empowering time of self-discovery, too, and I walked by the White House every single morning and afternoon except for when I splurged for the Metro. There’s nothing better than DC monuments at night when all the commuters and tourists go home (though preferably by choice and not a necessary curfew).

I spent my whole day having conversations with a lot of you. Some because you thought I was “too emotional”, some because you thought I was spot on, in my stories. Some because you felt offended and some because you felt heard. I’m going to be the first to admit I don’t have a thick skin, and I also am going to say I have a level temper (women should say what they’re good at more, go with it), so together I just want those things to illustrate that I did not have a knee-jerk reaction to today, this was the exploding of literal years of wanting to understand, and feeling pushed too far. Too far to offer consideration in the face of such hypocrisy.

I appreciate the way we can see the role of government differently. I love that America keeps you free to talk about that, vote about that, run for or against that, live your life. I purposely work to not mute those who thoughtfully disagree with my perspective — I have no desire to create an echo chamber around me and I think social media echo chambers are a HUGE source of our problems.

I feel that America was abandoned today by a president not speaking up hours earlier, and more so by his fanning of flames for years. But a few of my conversations today were with loved conservative friends who also felt let down by the president. Not by the protestors, the president. And that’s what gives me hope.

Because if you are following him to any end, believing everyone else around him is the conspiracy and he is your democracy-defender, I have little hope in our country recovering from this divide. In that faithful following, facts are no longer facts, the most unbiased source possible is no longer deemed valuable, science is mistrusted, and personal gain will always trump greater good.

We need to work harder at evaluating everything. It takes work to look beyond assumptions. I’m going to be wrong sometimes. You’re going to be wrong sometimes. We have a president who is incapable of making that statement. And to be led like that is a disservice to our country and to be loyal to that is a disservice to yourself. I want to learn more from you. We all need to learn from each other. Make sure you’re open to that. I’m working hard to do the same, despite what many assumed today, and thank you to everyone that had respectful conversations with me. I felt a lot of love through the pain of today, and I want to feel hopeful again. I want a country that cares more about marginalized people and I think we’re on our way there. Swipe to see my favorite spot in DC. (Lincoln Memorial, pictured later below.)

I’ve seen so many posts this week about doing a better job listening to each other, focusing on our homes and not being angry. I appreciate those and fully admit that some of what I posted this week came from anger. It’s left me feeling gross and I’m sorry — I hate contention and I added to it.

I also can’t help ache for all the people who wish they could just focus on their home, but systems are broken for them, and they were dealt a much different hand than me in life. They’ve no choice but to tirelessly work to improve systems that will hardly affect me if I chose to tune out. So I am trying to learn and understand where the lines get crossed between each of our own widely varying personal feelings of righteous indignation, and simply spreading division.

So this is me admitting I could have done better this week, but that I also stand behind my last post, and I am super super grateful for the really thoughtful conversations I’ve had this week with people who feel very differently than me. I was so grateful for the friends who were able to recognize when emotions are high but still know who I am, and chose to talk about it rather than leave the conversation. Those interactions makes me really, really grateful.

I’ll stick around when your emotions are high too, and I’m an open book if you feel like we’re on really different pages. I don’t think it’s our job to convince each other of anything on social media — it’s becoming pretty toxic in so many ways — but learning to see each other, opening our minds to other perspectives, and loving each other through the differences definitely is.

Westin loves his crystals. Thanks, Aunt Katie! Perfect Christmas present!

We went to a pond nearby that birdwatchers love, and that has lots of eagles in the winter time.
We did see one in a tree. They're beautiful.

Sending dinner off with the missionaries, and then a Zoom lesson with them after.
Times are so different.

I lifted weights every day this week.
Feels good to get back to moving my body.
I was working out every day in Fresno, then painting every day here,
and now I'm fitting it back in.

I left Mitt Romney thank you voicemails at his UT and DC offices Wednesday morning.
I would have said even more had I known what he was about to face.

There's no "What about this summer?" here.
Those were protests to stop killing, with most of the violence confirmed to be from outside agitators.
This was an attack on democracy, with most of the violence confirmed to be...exactly who they said they were all along. These aren't opinions. You can find facts if you're looking for more than loud voices saying what you want to hear.

They walked right out.
Some arrested later (and verified to be Trump supporters),
but why were they just allowed to leave?

Four years Pence stood by him.
And Trump never even checked to see if he was ok after unleashing a literal mob on him,
for refusing to do something he's not constitutionally allowed to do.

We need to elect more women.

Favorite spot in DC.

---

Camden loves to just be held after make our cold walk to the school in the mornings,
and keep his hands warm inside my hair by my neck.
It's my favorite when older babies take those rare moments to slow down and hold you.

Found Bennett in his spare pair of shorts when I picked him up from school...
rough week for us all.

Photo from @jamesgoesplaces on Instagram

Sometimes Camden makes his wants very obviously known :)

And he's the third kid so he always gets grahams if he wants them ;)

Westin earned some money picking up our neighbor's sticks in their yard and he was stoked.
So we had to count his whole stash. He says he's saving up for a car he can drive.
Our neighbor in Fresno used to cruise around in one of those motorized kid cars and he was a hilariously good driver.

My mom found this picture this week.
I love this dad so much.

I love stumbling on my kids' creativity.
This was Bennett making a little trail.

Camden loves standing up on his own now!
Especially on Facetime when people clap and cheer for him.
Cutest little guy.

Monday, January 4, 2021

Bittersweet Farewell to 2020

Happy New Year!

I have always loved a shiny new year and this one seemed like a particular milestone for all of us. But I couldn't help but look back at all the sweet parts of 2020 that I really, truly am grateful for. There were plenty of days that the no-school situation was (SO) hard, but also lots of moments that I felt so happy my boys were under my roof with me. Our move and house hunt were a little trickier with Covid restrictions, but we look back at the way things all played out and feel incredibly grateful for where we landed, in terms of the city, neighborhood, job, everything. I was able to spend so much time during the first half of this year healing from Camden's pregnancy, starting and finishing braces, working out consistently for the first time in a while, and feeling like I'd finally figured out a routine that let me take care of both myself and my family. Then we moved, and all that time went to painting, which was still a blessing -- we were home, I wasn't being pulled in a million directions, and I was able to spend six months getting all my painting list done (except for you, laundry room -- maybe you'll get some attention next year!) All while helping my boys with school. It was not my favorite time at some moments (these moments were usually found when painting past 11pm or being mid-paint project and needing to stop multiple times to wipe multiple bums... life's most glamorous moments), but I look back with such gratitude that we were able to get as much done that we did and go into this next year focusing on some other things.

I loved visiting Fort Collins in the spring with Michael and meeting the Orr family. I was so grateful to have Michael's parents with us during our cabinet painting this summer. Being with family for both Thanksgiving AND Christmas felt like such a luxury, and it's so fun to see kids with cousins. There will always be a sweet and simple element to 2020 that I know I'll look back on often when my life looks really different down the road. What a year.

This week was a good one -- we saw lots of Michael, had a fun New Years Eve of appetizers and fireworks (on the TV in Dubai) with the boys, went on a walk at a natural area nearby, played in the snow, took down Christmas, and just enjoyed not having any online school or places to be.

Michael has started studying for his boards next week and it's giving us both flashbacks of how much studying he did during dental school. We're both rusty -- we need nights full of snacks and shows, not separate projects. But I've been working on a big cross stitch, plus I started a one-time side project of transcribing a podcast that takes a feminist reading of Come Follow Me, so it's been fun to feel like I'm getting paid to review the Book of Mormon through a different perspective.

Apart from that, I'm doing a lot to gear up with Kindal for our Kickstarter video and website and Instagram and all the things that are coming along with starting a small business. Our books are coming soon! We're so anxious to see them in person.

We were about to take down Christmas today but then we got so much snow,
so we decided to drink hot chocolate and watch the Grinch instead.
Christmas decorations need some snow time to go with them!

Bennett made snowballs for hours.
I love how much both boys love the Christmas gift that the other picked out for them.

You know they ambushed daddy when he got home.

Working on climbing those stairs,
and pulling himself up on things this week!

Snow cones with real snow, Westin's idea :)

Camden never lets me play the piano solo for too long -- he's always scooting right over to make it a duet. It's so, so happy to have this piano with us.

We were blown away by our Fresno neighbors' kindness. They sent us a package with treats and Christmas gifts.

Bennett got a big garbage truck because they said they miss seeing them come outside every Wednesday to watch the garbage man. People are so nice.

Peeking at me on our walk!

Appetizers for dinner is probably my favorite meal of the year.

If you're looking at this thinking, "that's too many mozzarella sticks..."
then you need to reevaluate your priorities.

Our neighbors brought us a cute New Year's Eve package with noisemakers and cute glasses and treats. The boys were so excited. We counted down at 6:48pm... :)

We had a "meet and greet" with a dog that chased Kitty through our yard and she went straight up to the top of this tree in 2.5 seconds. It was pretty impressive.

First stair climb!

Michael's assistant brought in another monster avocado from her home in Florida.
These things are amazing.

Exploring during daddy's time off

Brooklyn came over for an hour this week to work on getting Camden used to her.
The next day he went to our neighbor's with the boys but he didn't last long...
cried for 10 minutes and she brought him home to us.
He's such a Covid baby, stranger danger to the most extreme.