Wednesday, May 20, 2015

A New Mother's Day

I had a lot of thoughts running through my head during my first Mother's Day as a mom. I knew becoming a mother would bring higher highs and lower lows into my life. Just, more feelings, if you will. It just makes sense. What I didn't anticipate is how unexpectedly those strong feelings would come on, at any random moment. I never knew that during a routine (oh so routine) diaper change my little son could gaze at me so sweetly and smile so big that I'd suddenly just think of heaven and how I want to be with him forever up there, after all this. Or that sometimes I'd tickle this little boy and hear his newly discovered laugh build up, and I'd suddenly just want to cry thinking about all the kids who aren't being tickled enough and who aren't getting enough chances to discover their own laugh. 

So many bigger smiles. So many random tears. Motherhood is a lot of feelings, you guys. 

A baby's trust and innocence is the most tender thing to witness. They can only communicate with you in so many ways; their wants are their needs and their needs are their wants. They deserve them to be met. These precious souls come to us so dependent, yet shifting our entire perspective and routine to fit them in. To fit them in deep.

Sometimes Westin stares at me hard. We laugh and peek-a-boo and smile and babble, but sometimes, he just stares. So intently. I try to not be the first to break those moments, because I don't know what he's needing to gain from that stare but I'm sure not going to take whatever it is away from him. Maybe he's just studying the way my mouth works or the way my eyes seem more familiar each day. But sometimes it feels like more. Like he's slowly learning more all the time that it's a big deal that he's here and that he's a big deal to me. So he stares and he pieces it together and I try to just shoot love through my eyes right back at him, hard. I think he feels it. I feel it fiercely.

Westin has my heart. It's hard to imagine who he's going to become, or think about what his life will be like. I mean, I can barely even picture his smile with teeth instead of that toothless grin that melts my soul, let alone imagine what kind of man he's going to become someday. But oh man I send so many prayers his way, for his now and for his future. Please help me teach him the best way I can. Or at least just not mess him up. 

I didn't anticipate what it would feel like to have love become the driving force of my day job. Genuine, deep-rooted love. It's the motive behind the big things and mundane things that fill my days, and I love that. I love love. I love this motherly love. My grandma used the word "sappy" better than anyone I've ever heard, and maybe that's what she'd call this rambling that I'm doing, but it's all true. Sappy and true.

Happy late Mother's Day, to everyone who loves and shapes others.

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