First Weeks as Mom

Well, it's been a while. I feel a little buried by the transition into motherhood, and this blog post is me coming up for air. We're getting the hang of things over here. Westin and I are getting to know each other a little more every day, and I'm trying to figure out this new role of mine. It feels like a total shift - everything is altered these days. My routine, my body, my way of thinking, my priorities... it's a long list, these alterations. There's good and there's bad and there's just so much unknown. But if I don't keep this little blog space of mine going, then that means I let the changes swallow me, as a favorite blogger of mine described. So, I'm back, with intentions of consistency. It must be a new year's thing.

This is Westin and he is already so different. I look at this newborn photo of him, with his little hand where it always always lies, and I just try to comprehend this little person. He's here, with his own destiny and his own purpose and his own life to live. And I'm the mom. I try to wrap my mind around the whole concept every day still, who knows how much of it can really ever sink in.

People ask who he looks like, and I just think babies look like babies. But there are moments he looks at me with big eyes and a thinking face, and I instantly think of my dad. He just reminds me of him, somehow. It has happened so many times that I suppose he must look like him to me, though it's not a nose thing or an eye thing or a feature of sorts - he just, brings my dad to my mind a lot.

And look how much he has already changed. It's crazy what happens in six weeks and what will keep happening, forever. Time goes by so incredibly fast amid those hours or days that you think are dragging. Overall, it really flies. I think I was my mom's baby not too long ago in her mind. And now I have this tiny guy, and he'll be big and grown so fast, too.

That's why I hung this sign in Westin's nursery, above his crib. It says "Enjoy the little things." Because that's what I want to do, even amid nights of hardly any sleep or moments of big messes or feelings of inadequacy. I just want to enjoy the little things - little Westin, or little moments, or little glimpses of eternal perspective. I know I'll cling to them later, so I want to fully enjoy them now. 

He'll take a nap for three times as long if I'm holding him than if I put him down somewhere. At first it frustrated me. But this sign above his crib has helped me time and again to just sit back and soak this in, soak him in. I know there are days in the very near future that I will just wish he will let me hold him like this, but he'll be too busy. So I'm enjoying it now. I won't have this baby Westin forever, the one who wants to sleep as close to me as possible.

It's so fun to watch his eyes as he watches everything. It's all being seen for the first time. I just wonder what it looks like to him, and what goes on in his little developing mind. He has a bright-eyed stare that looks like he's soaking up the world.

He has a pretty cozy set up when we venture out of the house. Between freezing temperatures and rampaging germs, this winter baby gets seriously bundled up. It's adorable to me, and so satisfying to just zip him into a cozy space and completely control his surroundings. He might be in the world, but I can still protect him from most all of it. Just for a little while.

I did not anticipate the transition to motherhood to be so hard. It's joyous and beautiful, but so hard. His birth was so emotional for me, and the double-recovery that followed really hit me. Then add nursing to all of that, and I became kind of panicky and claustrophobic off and on. Then there's the guilt for feeling panicky and claustrophobic -- it has been a roller coaster over here. I'm so grateful for a mom, sister, and mother-in-law that stayed with me through those first few weeks. Nothing has ever left me so physically and emotionally drained than those first four weeks of being a new mom. But after that point, I felt like I finally gained a better perspective. Life is different now, and a different kind of hard, but it is full of new meaning and potential. I'll find my groove. Westin and I will figure this out. And we're going to enjoy all the little things along the way.