On Motherhood

 Happy Mother's Day!

This year I asked for two Ps -- peace and a picture. Getting in and out of church somehow always feels too crazy to stop for that photo but today I wanted to have a picture with these boys I love so much. They have made me a mother and I've reflected on that blessing all day.

Westin is a thinker. Always inquisitive and observant, quick to pick up on things and quick to want to. He loves to learn, loves to help, and he is an absolute sweetheart to his babiest brother Asher. I tell him frequently that Asher is so lucky to have him, and the other day he said, "Do you really mean that?" I wish I could have better explained how much I truly mean it, but I tried. These boys are lucky to have Westin as their oldest brother. I know being the oldest comes with some short ends of the stick, like being the guinea pig for Michael and me, but we love him so much. He wants to do what's right. He wants to understand so much. He loves a good game. I love being Westin's mom.

Bennett has the sweetest soul. He observes feelings and people, and has been cheering up people who need it from the time he was just months old. He works hard to be understood, but I have never once heard him complain about that. Last week after yet another hour of doing his best with his speech therapist, and doing all he's asked without complaining, he took my hand on our walk out and said, "My mouth is tired." That is the most I have heard Bennett reference all the hard work he puts into growing his intelligibility, and I loved his little hard-working soul so much in that moment. He loves being a friend. He tells me I'm the best and that he loves me multiple times every day. He says a simple, "Sure," whenever I ask him to do a quick favor. He looks for my hand every time we are walking, but doesn't complain when a younger brother needs them sometimes. I love being Bennett's mom.

Camden is a people person, and a hilarious little goofball. He remembers everyone's names. He calls everyone his friend. He wants Michael and I around but he's working on being ok with nursery and babysitters. When we left on a date this week he started to cry, but then said, "I'm not gonna cry, I'm better. I'm better." Then pushed our car out and waved, and I was so impressed watching his little self work on growing up right in front of me. He loves to run around outside with his brothers, makes the goofiest little villain laugh when he pretends he's going to "eat you up!" or whatever else he's joking around about, and he needs a hit of fruit snacks every morning, preferably while watching Daniel Tiger. His bedtime needs are a long list of little maddening details that are funny after the fact, but if you get them all right he's a cozy cute boy and goes right down. I love being Camden's mom.

Asher. He turned 6 months old on Mother's Day which was really inconsiderate of him. My heart just wants to freeze him more than I've ever had that feeling before. He is so pure and such a sweet little guy. I love making him laugh and I don't even mind our 1-2 feeds in the night when it's just us and everyone is sleeping. He is my first stomach sleeper -- truly never ever slept on his back much at all. He goes down easily but sleeps shorter stretches since we ditched the swaddle. He rolls onto his stomach pretty quickly when on his back, but rarely rolls from stomach to back. No teeth yet. Needs to taste an avocado soon but I always avoid starting solids with my kids... it just feels like the end of the baby era and I put it off. He has started gazing lovingly at Michael more and I try to put a stop to that because he needs to be a mama's boy until at least 2 :) He loves his brother's so much. He has angel eyes. I love being Asher's mom.

My first Mother's Day with all my boys and it was peaceful in a way I've never really felt before. Just content with the small stuff today. They are a joy to watch grow up. I know I don't always stay in this headspace through the long days and there are plenty of hard parts, but being their mom is truly a privilege and a beautiful thing.

Grateful for our moms today too, and I've been missing my grandmas extra. I called my friend LoRane Wallwork today who was my sweet older friend in Fresno and wished her a happy Mother's Day. She represents so perfectly to me the way we can all mother each other when we just see the needs others have that we can meet. I love her. 

I especially loved our Sacrament meeting today. Our friend that teaches Gospel Doctrine every other time with me gave a beautiful talk about divine attributes of Motherhood, and about our Heavenly Mother and the way Christ must have been loved perfectly before He could love perfectly, by His Heavenly Parents. I said the closing prayer and prayed that we could all recognize the ways women show us love, and recognize the love our Heavenly Mother has for all of us, and that anyone who has pain attached to this sometimes difficult day can feel that love a little extra.

I am just extra grateful for the women I am blessed to have as friends and family today. I love them so much.

A rare time he fell asleep while eating, since he goes down awake now.
It's hard to believe all those naps and nights on his side on the nursing pillow next to me are already a memory.

Westin has been showing me skewer desserts in his Highlights magazine for weeks and wanting to make them. I finally gave them pancake fruit skewers for dessert randomly one night and Westin was laughing at the extra whipped cream version.

He terrorized lots of kids and dogs at school drop off with this shark puppet that Teresa brought home from Florida. So funny.

I still see quite a lot of resemblance between these two,
though Asher does have his own look.

Just a happy boy

Such big smiles lately

Cute brothers making baby happy during a bank errand.

Cried for 30 seconds after I left him in nursery, before snapping into happy and playful mode and saying,,
"I get better fast!"

We are not getting the best pictures around here lately...
Camden looks like he's pooping. Michael said "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."
Haha we just keep laughing at it.

Bennett's Sunday school teachers brought flowers for them to give to their moms and helped them make cards. I thought that was so sweet.

I love these boys.

Happy Mother's Day!

Also, I always say I'll interview my boys on their birthdays, but birthdays are always so crazy. Beginning of school is always so crazy. So I've decided it'll be my Mother's Day tradition. Just a cute quick interview with each kiddo, all on the same day, more efficient and a fun way to connect with them each Mother's Day and have a little snapshot of who they were each year. Their interviews were making us all laugh today.

Heavy Week

I write this blog so my children will have a record of their lives. So that they can scroll through their weeks and remember these days that will feel like holding water in their hands later, and maybe to me too. I want them to remember with me.

But this week especially, they are not experiencing what I'm experiencing. I am making breakfasts and lunches and dinners and playing Spot It and doing bedtime and answering questions about firetrucks, and all the other things that come around no matter what else is on my mind. But my mind is just on the way the world is hurting. On George Floyd. On the stories so painfully similar as his. Above all else, my mind has been thinking over and over about how to teach my children how to love.

I grew up being taught that we are all equal. But the institutions and dynamics that shaped me were undeniably centered on white people, and specifically white men. And as I've grown up I've had to process so much that just "was", and now I'm working through seeing it differently. And more importantly, trying to see it through the eyes of those who are affected at a much greater cost than what I'll ever pay.

That quote above -- racism is bigger than hate. That's been the dominant thought on my mind this week. I was taught to love and not hate, but that doesn't mean there isn't racism interwoven in me in ways that I need to recognize and root out. Of course I will teach my children not to hate. But I am responsible to teach them about privilege, and experiences outside of their own, and responsibility and charity that extends beyond pleasantries. The pain of the world around us feels so raw. 

And to be honest, the last four years have left me feeling a new kind of empty. This is a combination of so many things, but specifically these two -- 1) Motherhood requires so much of my soul in ways I could never have anticipated that it can be so difficult to consciously expand my sphere, and 2) when I do scrape up the energy to engage, the emptiness and bewilderment I feel toward the disagreements and discord in our world right now leaves me so low. I've listened to podcasts and read books and talked with friends who I've admired in the way they are able to engage and advocate for their beliefs even when faced with strong opposition. And I've wished for the hope/energy/desire to return to sharing more.

That's privilege. The ability to turn off my level of engagement, turn off my activism, turn off spending energy outside of my sphere. And now I see that it's all connected more than I was admitting -- because motherhood is the breakfasts and lunches and bedtimes, but more importantly it's teaching my children to have the hope, and energy, and desire, and awareness they will need to leave the world better than they found it.

I knew that, but I have always been assuming that part will start later. Now I see where that assumption leaves us. Systemic oppression with deep roots and millions of us assuming the problem lies somewhere else. You can be free of hate but still be racist. That different kind of racism is so much bigger. That starts early, that runs deep.

That needs to be stopped. And it's going to be full of uncomfortable, intentional, baby steps. Of course I want to raise children who are kind, who love, who have equality woven deep in their soul. But this week for the first time I have realized the importance of raising them to be actively anti-racist. Even admitting that is uncomfortable. But that's ok.

So when my babies grow up and scroll through these weeks someday and read this one, I hope they realize how much I wanted to teach them what matters most. Our home church was focused on sharing what we know today, including sharing what we know about each other so that we can work on assuming the best and seeing the good in each of us. That's basically their world right now -- the five of us. I hope they grow up continuing to see the good in people. And growing the good in themselves. I just ache for the world right now, and ache for what they may find as they get bigger.

Praying for hope.

Every time I start packing, Westin has lots to come tell me and Bennett suddenly wants lots of hugs.
It's very productive.

Daddy's spider hand is such a crack up.

Sometimes this guys just isn't having the bedtime thing,
and gets to get up and hang out with mom and dad for a bit.

Do you ever just NOT get in a grocery shopping mood for a while?
Or a clean your fridge mood...

Finally couldn't keep avoiding it.

Empty boxes -- Westin's fort.
He's sad every time one gets taken away to be packed.

Once packing started, my packing anxiety went way down.
A little each day and we're going to be fine.
Right?

This little cabinet made our Manchester apartment so happy,
and was always full here too somehow.
We sold it this weekend and I just feel happy about it.
I even told it thank you. I remember the first time I judged Marie Kondo for that part of her book a little...
Now I'm on board.

Facetiming sweet Elise

Lots to figure out

Empty and cleaned out,
ready for a new home.

We also sold the cupboard in our bathroom...

...and Westin pretended he was in a rocket ship,
right after watching the Spacex launch.

Feeling emptier in here.
Oh hey, Chaco.

Boxes large enough for sleeping in are currently being slept in.
By both boys. He really did take a nap like that.
They really are both asleep like that right now.

Another bedtime protest.

Me + Three

This week. I know how important it is to be grateful for what I have, live in the moment, appreciate the little things, and pause to recognize that these are the good days in a lot of ways.

But I also want to be real with my future self who will maybe someday miss and romanticize these baby days. Because oh how I will miss parts of the baby days (rocking a sleeping little Camden!). But this week was maybe the hardest week of mothering I've ever mothered through. It was the first week that I felt like three was getting the best of me. More like, the worst of me. Michael didn't see the boys from Sunday night to Friday night, and it was just a long, hard week at home.

So first I want to say my favorite moment with each person this week.

Michael: when I came home from church and saw that he had all my stroller tires off my stroller and patching up holes in my inner tubes. Motherhood makes acts of service your love language real fast, am I right?

Westin: this cutie has been stoked about his school carnival for a while now. On Friday I picked him up from school with his little brothers and we played on the playground until the carnival started at 4. I watched him hug friends from his class, jump in a bounce house, excitedly climb into a firetruck and garbage truck, and I had him turn in his class ticket for his prize by himself rather than have me do it for him, which took some persuading. But watching him at the carnival just made me really grateful he's having the happy experiences he's having and that he's still little. I was a little floored that sixth graders talk and act the way sixth graders talk and act now while there, and I just felt so happy to have an oblivious little 4-year-old who is so innocent and happy. I let them each choose a treat at the carnival before we went home to eat dinner and he chose a Spiderman ice pop with zero hesitation. Then Bennett chose the same thing and we walked home while they ate those so lovingly. It was so sweet.

Bennett: we have a booster seat in our Corolla, and I take that car to church on the Sundays I have meetings in the morning. Michael meets me there with the kids, and then we take both cars home. Sometimes Westin has come home with me, but this Sunday Bennett rode with me alone for the first time. He giggled the whole time. He felt so big. I realized how few alone moments I have with that little cutie and our 10-minute drive was just so fun and happy.

Camden: On Saturday morning Camden woke me up around 4:30 and I laid by him to feed him. Sometimes I'm tired enough to fall right back asleep but sometimes I'm in some sleep cycle spot that has me wide awake when we meet in the night :) That was one of those times. And for 60 minutes I just watched him eat then watched him sleep, and felt so grateful he's here and healthy and growing and adorable and mine. I love him so much.

Ok! I knew after I wrote those out it would soften me up. But this is also the week that Michael worked long days that felt like first year. He didn't see the boys from Sunday to Friday. He had to go in on Saturday night even though he wasn't even on call because someone's tongue came unstitched from the roof of their mouth (gross), so I was doing bedtime alone on the night I was sure I wouldn't be doing bedtime alone. Westin asked to do a Halloween craft about 5 times a day this week, even after we'd done multiple (ok, two) Halloween crafts during a week in which I felt zero ability to do Halloween crafts. He'd ask as soon as we'd walk in the house from doing this or that, which is always a hard transition with a baby that needs to be changed and fed or a Bennett that needs to go down for a nap, or needing to get ready for school. He and Bennett fought so hard. Camden napped so poorly multiple days. Here's a conversation I overheard to illustrate a part of this stage I won't miss, while Bennett and Westin were going potty (Bennett on his little one in the same bathroom as Westin on the regular toilet).

"Bennett, sit back down."

"Bennett, you're not supposed to lift that up, wait for mommy."
"Ew, Bennett, that just made a mess!"

"Bennett, you're stepping in it!"

"Bennett, do not touch me! There's poop on you Bennett!"

All while I'm stuck helping a crying baby while also, honestly, going to the bathroom myself for only the second time that day because #kids. And it's even kind of funny now to read that. But in the moment I just started crying. And could hardly find the energy to go and break up that fight, clean up that mess, disinfect all the infectedness, and put those brothers to bed. I didn't read to my kids enough this week. We didn't do enough Come Follow Me lessons. We didn't read the Friend once. We fought. I yelled. We all cried on the floor one day, all four of us at once.

This stage is hard.

But I had a blessing from Michael before going to the hospital to have Camden and in it he said, "Raising your children is the most important way you could be using all of your gifts and talents right now." It's really hard to feel that on some days. But I know that gratitude is the fix for that. I'm grateful I'm the one home with my boys. I'm grateful Michael and I have been on a road that's brought us closer because at times it tore us down. I'm grateful we know how to work hard together, even if we're not great at cooking together. :) I'm grateful my boys love me even if I disappoint them sometimes. I'm grateful residency is almost over. Oh how I'm grateful residency is almost over. I'm positive that not knowing our next step is making all current stress and sadness a little too magnified because I'm starting to feel more and more anxious about the unknown.

I almost sat down to just write down our this and thats this week -- Monday's physical therapy went well, Tuesday was a needed slow morning, Wednesday was cute dentist visits for the boys (no cavities! Winning at something!), Thursday is already forgotten, and Friday was the school carnival. Saturday we visited a cute fall festival with Michael and had our friends the Drews over for hot dogs and s'mores over a fire in our backyard.

If that's all I remembered about this week it'd be fine. But I want to remember how hard this all is, so that I can remember that I did it. And tomorrow I'll do it all again. Until someday I'll realize it's not quite as hard and they're not quite as small and I'll feel grateful for the easier times and nostalgia for the late night rocking chair moments. But no one's going to miss cleaning up the poop.

Speaking of.

Adorable little cutie getting his x-rays

I just quietly giggled through their whole dentist visit. Why is this so cute.

No cavity wall!

Westin was stoked to write his name up there.

So much swag.

We raced to Target after because I wanted to get a $5 gift card for a flu shot.
Is this a new thing? Who knew about this??

My lunch date.

Taking home the class Huggy Bear for the night. He looooves that thing.

If you look hard through that window you can see the view I love looking at of those two cute brothers playing,
all seen from...

...my rocking chair in my bedroom while I do this. Best moments.

And on Friday I held him for almost half of a nap just because I wanted to.

Then off to the carnival where their garbage truck dreams came true!

They were really confused about this concept, but then...

...we finally got it :)

Tummy time is work!

Sneaky Kitty

Michael rocked my Wild Bird for the first time on a quick mail check trip.