I Don't Remember

I don't remember which dance I performed at halftime that night, but I remember my dad came to watch.

My senior year kept me so intensely busy, almost to an unhealthy extent, but everything on my plate was something I truly loved. Well, except AP Calculus. The only thing that was continually sacrificed to make time for everything was sleep, to the point that I was getting 3-4 hours on weeknights and making up for it on weekends. I was the last kid at home, and I really loved that time with my parents. My dad was always after me about taking care of myself and trying to get me to sleep more or eat right. I learned early on to hear "I love you" through his worries.

I went home for lunch one Friday and my mom told me my dad had been laid off. I was shocked. He had been a radio personality in my small town my entire life -- it was the job that had moved our family to Cedar City. I grew up listening to his morning shows, interviews, and commercials through the car stereo or at home on the radio. Sometimes I thought my dad had come home from work, only to find it was the radio on in the kitchen and not him.

A large company had recently purchased the radio station, so we knew changes were coming. But change to this extent hadn't crossed my mind. I remember wondering how my dad felt about it all and what would be next for him. This came at a time when other difficult things had surfaced in my dad's professional life. People close to him had broken his trust in ways he never imagined. I think our deepest cuts are deep because of exactly that -- we never imagined others were capable of causing that much hurt, or making the choices they made. That's the part that hurts the most.

My mom had to be out of town that weekend to be with my grandma. My dad had a lot going on to wrap things up at work. I knew I probably wouldn't see him until much later that evening, if we crossed paths that day at all.

I went to the football game that night feeling distracted and detached. I remember feeling alone in my head when we were stretching during second quarter, and going through the motions as we lined up.

I stood on the side of the field before our performance while my friends joked and laughed around me. Then he caught my eye with a wave by the stadium gate. My dad had come. I waved back and loved him so much right then. I felt so surprised and grateful to see him in that moment.

It's strange to experience the gradual realization that your parents are people, and they're figuring out life alongside you. I saw my dad differently as he dealt with big changes in that stage of his life. He was a person figuring things out, just like me. I met my own changes at the same time as I finished high school, went off to college, figured out my own path. And I found serious comfort knowing that one of the best people I will ever know was still doing some figuring, too. Suddenly feeling buried in a journey rather than seeing a clear destination felt a little more manageable.

Life will always feel more manageable when you're blessed with a dad who shows up.

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This post is part of my 8-minute memoir series, following the prompts from author Ann Dee Ellis. You can read more about the project here. This series is an effort to keep writing in my routine, keep a record of life, and keep my spirits high. 

"I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say." - Flannery O'Connor.

I Remember When

I remember when we were a family of five. That felt like the main stage of life at the time, though now it's labeled as childhood and it's memories kept and lost. The day my brother left on a mission was the day that stage semi-ended in my mind, and I'm almost surprised by the way that reality hit me even in that moment.

He left two days after Christmas. His call to serve in Copenhagen, Denmark cast a different feeling over the Holidays that year for me. Too much pressure to soak them up, enjoy them, live in the moment. There's always so much build up to December 25th, but that year it felt like the 27th was in charge.

Families still went inside the MTC with their missionaries that year, and said goodbye after hearing speakers and watching a movie. I don't remember a single thing about the presentations that day except for distinctly thinking, "This movie is so sad. Why do they want us to watch such a sad movie right now?" That feeling was completely vindicated when the lights turned back on, and someone directed families to one side of the room and missionaries to another. It was time to say goodbye.

I don't remember my brother showing a lot of emotion as we grew up together. I always knew that he loved me. I always knew he had a strong testimony. Those facts were spoken more with his demeanor and actions rather than his words. As we hugged him goodbye that day I realized I had not fully grasped what was happening until that moment. But then I did. Being 12 years old has its limitations, but not as many as I think I assume on this side of my twenties. I remember thinking then that he was about to go experience really hard things. And that two years was a long time. And that our family would never be the same. He was done. My time growing up with my brother had happened.

Amid all the goodbyes, I remember watching my dad hug him. My brother was now "finished" being a kid at home with me, with him. My dad hugged him hard. I think he cried, and I know that I did. Saying goodbye to my brother was hard in itself. And I hadn't anticipated suddenly feeling like I was saying goodbye to my family as I had always known it.

If I knew then what life is like now -- being friends with my siblings in adulthood, loving each other's kids, helping each other make it through life's next level of challenges -- I think that would have been a big source of comfort. And then maybe I wouldn't have let that movie make me so emotional...

Either way, I feel grateful to have grown up as the third Miner kid. And I felt that feeling strongly that day, too.

---

This post is part of my 8-minute memoir series, following the prompts from author Ann Dee Ellis. You can read more about the project here. This series is an effort to keep writing in my routine, keep a record of my life, and keep my spirits high. 

"I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say." - Flannery O'Connor.

Done with Year One

I have had July 1 on my mind for so long. Being able to say our first year of residency is over feels so good. Even if Michael still goes back to work tomorrow and his hours are still crazy, there's just something that feels so good about knowing we've got one year down. But at the same time, I cannot believe we have lived in Fresno for a year. That is just crazy to me. On Saturday someone was describing where something is in Fresno to me and they asked if I knew where such and such was, and I said "No, I just moved here." Then I suddenly felt really sad, because I probably shouldn't say that or feel that anymore. But it's ok. A year done is a year done, and getting settled has just taken a little longer when you add pregnancy and newborn time into the first year. We're figuring things out :)

Michael:

is done with his first year! I just said that but I want to keep saying it. I seriously keep saying it in my head, so it needs to be written down a couple times too. He took us on a fun bike ride Saturday that he discovered during his rotation at the children's hospital, he rode his bike to work a few times back then. He takes Bennett for the last two hours of church while I do sharing time or other primary stuff. Time at home feels like a vacation when he's around. He always has crazy work stories and I don't know how he does what he does.

Maddie:

felt like last week was three weeks, I just wanted July to get here so bad. Being around family for three weeks and then being alone with my boys again was a hard adjustment. I've never had a week with so little accomplished and so much TV watched in our house, and that just feels miserable rather than relaxing. I want my mojo back. It'll happen this week. I went to High on Saturday and that cheered me up like always. Bike rides cheer me up faster than anything, so going on one with our family after my class felt so happy. I've had fun seeing teachable moments in Westin and his stage lately. Motherhood changes so much as kids grow up and it's fun to experience and figure out.

Westin:

has become much more self-aware and also curious about other people's worlds/perspectives, which is a big change for a little person. The downside is, I feel like Westin just barely realized over the last two weeks that his dad works all the time. Before that, it was like he was over the moon when his dad was around and then completely focused on whatever else was around when Michael was at work. He was so happy when Michael was home, but I could easily distract him on days Michael wasn't. Now, he knows when he's gone days without seeing his dad and he gets really grumpy and angry. One morning he was so mad when he woke up and it was me and not Michael to come and get him, and he didn't want to get out of bed or talk to me. Then I would become surprisingly grumpy myself because it's hard to stay positive about something when someone around you is being so negative about that same something. But one of my favorite lines in the potty training book I read was something like, "In fact, it's smart to never let a toddler be in charge of your emotional state." Way easier said than done, I know, but I had to put that into practice more than ever this last week.

Westin gives the best hugs to Bennett before either of them takes a nap or goes to bed. He has started sitting in a regular chair at our table and Bennett moved into the high chair spot. Still no desire to give up that crib, though. He is such a pro at potty training (no accidents in weeks and weeks, wears a diaper when he sleeps but has kept it dry a few times), a good helper around the house and mostly in the kitchen, and just such a fun friend.

Bennett:

is 9 months tomorrow and I could cry about it if I let myself. I think I'm going to cry about a lot of things all at once here pretty soon, because there are a few things that I could cry about if I thought about them too hard but I just don't want to do that so I haven't. Is that a normal thing? Bennett, on the other hand, lets himself cry about things semi-often. Not as often as most babies, I'm convinced, but still. He randomly started only wanting to nurse on one side, this entire week, so that was weird. Is weird. And he is about ready to move up to all of my 12-month size clothes but I keep squeezing him into onesies because that's not ok. Stay little, Baby B. No crawling, not much rolling. Lots of Westin-watching, sitting, and playing with toys. Loves baths. Needs baths (babies and food is not a favorite stage of mine). Loves seeing Kitty. Needs to be softer to Kitty. Loves spitting. Is fine when I put his binky in when he's spitting. Is fine when I take his binky away. Happy in the car. Happy not in the car. Happy kid 97% of the time.

Getting babies up from nights or naps always feels so fun to me. They are just so precious.

Michael did not originally give permission for this picture to be posted but I wore him down. I think he looks elated that his first year is over. He thinks he looks blind. You decide. Either way it cracks me up and it needed to be on the internet. 

This is what he always does with his play mat. Probably time to put that away.

Bennett woke up from a nap on Saturday having a particularly bad hair day. Really though, I think it grew two inches during his nap or something? So I gave him a pretty spontaneous first haircut and dang it, Bennett, you look so much older.

We eat sooooo many strawberries around here these days. They taste like candy and they're $1.00 a pound so, can't stop. Westin eats them while lying down on the grass and talks to me about garbage trucks and birds and fire engines and Rocky (Little Einstein's). I think he has a happy life and that makes me happier than anything.

Bennett is always on the lookout for something that can be made into a mess.

Baby led weaning makes me happy!

We went to a store we never shop at just to return a recyclable chocolate milk bottle, so we grabbed a box of cereal on our way out that was on sale and nothing else. So Westin carried it out and to our car and felt so big. Then he felt serious ownership over it and wanted to eat some for lunch right when we got home. He calls it "A Bunch of Oatmeal" instead of Honey Bunches of Oats and no one will be correcting that soon. I love toddler translations.

Back to Routine

Michael:

had a residency party on Saturday night to celebrate the residents who are finishing up. It was an outdoor family party at his director's house, and we had fun seeing the people he works with. His chief resident made a super funny movie about the year, and he also sent everyone a blog with a list of all the fun camping spots his family has discovered in the Fresno area over the last 4 years. We are going to have fun looking at that and exploring. I am so excited for Michael to finish this week at work and officially be a second-year resident. This last year has been.... .....
I just thought about how to finish that sentence for like 20 seconds, and I'm giving up. But someday when I reread this I'll feel the same way I feel now and that will be enough.

Maddie:

loved having my parents here so much. It was so nice of them to drive me and the boys back from Utah so that we could have an extra week in Cedar with them. They left on Wednesday morning and that was the start of the first day alone with my boys in 3 weeks. I had to relearn how to be alone all over again. Residency. I'm tired. Michael is tired. But life is really good, too. I just feel like post-vacation life always has some gloom to it, but post-vacation life in residency has me realizing just how much I'm alone with my boys and some days I am better at handling that than others. On Friday we met Emily and her girls for dinner and that was really fun, we missed them.

Westin:

seems so old lately. For example, on our drive to church today he said, "We saw Lydia get baptized. When I am older, I will get baptized. You gonna baptize me, daddy?" And I looked at Michael and literally said, "Who is that old kid back there?" I feel like kids change exponentially after little plateaus. And his vocabulary just took off recently, as did his concept of self and others. He has started thinking about me and my world rather than just his own. For example, the other day I put him to bed and for the first time he seemed to think about what I was going to do once he was asleep. He said, "What are you going to do mama? Go poop?" I think he's learning there are things I like to do without him.

Bennett:

was sick for the first time this week and it made me so sad. Such sad little coughs, sneezes, nose bleeds?, and rough nights. Friday night was particularly bad, and finally I went and made the bed in our guest room and brought him in there because I was afraid Michael wouldn't be able to sleep at all if I kept getting up with him in our room (Bennett has been sleeping in my closet since we got back from our trip -- it's a big closet, don't worry, and I think the dark space gives him more sleep). That was still rough and I just don't know how people sleep with their kids; both of mine do not know how to sleep if I'm there by them. So after tons of awake time for the both of us, I put him back in his bed around 4:00 a.m. and we both got maaaybe a 90-minute stretch, which was the record for the night. He seems to be feeling better today, fingers crossed that keeps going. His kisses are my favorite thing right now. I have so many moments where I just think about Bennett and Westin and how grateful I am that they are here with me right now, living this stage of life with me.

His face lately when I say "Smile!"

Strawberry Jam time!

Cedar Week

Michael:

came back to Fresno right after my high school reunion to get back to work. We're so grateful for him. He is in the middle of a rough schedule this month, but once we get to July he will be a second-year resident. It's so hard to believe we have been in Fresno for a year. We missed him when he was at the hospital all of Father's Day, but we celebrated him the day before.

Maddie:

has really nice parents who agreed to drive me and the boys back to Fresno after a week in Cedar City, since Michael drove our car back earlier. It was so, so nice to have some time in Cedar that wasn't already full of plans. I don't remember the last time I had days at home just to soak up time with my parents and my hometown. It was good for my soul.

Westin:

seems lots older these days, even Michael felt like he was older when we saw him after our week apart. He sleeps so well at my parent's house (no windows in the little room I sleep him in) and it was so nice to have some later mornings. He loved time at grandma and grandpa's house as much as I did. Lots of playground time, walks to visit our neighbor dog, stopping to watch construction at SUU, sending sticks down the ditch and catching them. Cedar was good, simple fun, and we loved it.

Bennett:

is the easiest little traveler. Best nap-taker. Happiest people-watcher. Cutest smiler. Funniest little personality. I loved riding in the backseat on our road trip home to California while he just stared at me with so much love in those blue eyes he somehow has. He has started "talking" when you make his same sounds back to him and it's adorable to see how happy that makes him. We had lots of family time this month and we needed it.

Post-haircut spray down and plant watering.

I went to my mom's reader's theater club with her because I heard that Peter Sham was speaking to them that night. He directed a play that I danced in when I was growing up, and he was so much fun to learn from and work with. He was so surprised to see me last week and it was so fun to reconnect. He now directs the Neil Simon festival and I am definitely heading back to Cedar to catch Noises Off.

He loves watching them, but when this one started toward him he took cover fast.

Loooooves his grandpa.

DaNae's cute boys!  

Melts me.

Colorado Time

Michael:

flew from Fresno to Denver on Saturday after a lonely week of being sick and working. He was also the only person home while one of my high school friends stayed at our house, but he barely saw her family. Kendra, come back when I'm actually home and Michael isn't sick and working 90-hour weeks. We'll be way more fun. I was excited for Michael to have a week off in Denver with all of his family. Time with the Daetwylers is always a highlight of our year.

Maddie:

drove from Salt Lake to Denver with the boys and with Ali after Lydia's baptism. Ali stayed one night in Denver with Michael's family then flew back to SLC the next day for work. Then we spent the week with Michael's family having a blast in Rocky Mountain National Park. We hiked, ate lots of good food, played games, explored around our cabin, and caught up with our favorite people. Family is the best! We left on Friday to drive back to Cedar City, and on Saturday I went to my 10-year high school reunion. I know everyone has their own feelings about high school, but I personally feel like I graduated with some of the greatest people I've ever met. I still don't know if I've ever been busier or slept less than my senior year of high school, and I just have a spot in my heart that will always belong to Cedar City, Utah. I was really happy we could pass through the same weekend as that reunion.

Westin:

loves hanging out with his cousins so much. He was a trooper on our drives, too. Michael would carry him for part of our hikes, or he'd walk a good amount, or his Papa Daetwyler would carry him. Grandpas are the best. Westin was excited to see the elk and moose and eagles that we saw that week. I took him on a run around a lake by our cabin, thinking a 3-mile loop didn't sound too bad. I didn't take into account the rain or wind or elevation change (mainly that elevation change), so it ended up being more of an effort than I thought. Then near the end of our loop when we were almost back to where we parked our car, we started seeing tons of warning signs about protective mother elk and "proceed at your own risk" started sounding pretty creepy. Then we turned the corner and right on the path was a baby elk plus two huge females. I stopped and tried to picture sneaking by them with my stroller but it did not feel like a good idea. Soooo we turned back and ran around the whole lake again to get to our car the other way, all while Westin said "those elk were in our way, that's not very nice!" 

Bennett:

did not sleep well in Colorado but he made up for the trouble by being extremely sweet on all our hikes. He loved being on my back in the Ergo so much and it felt like having a sweet little monkey. He never cried on the hikes, just happily leaned against my back and held my arms, took naps when he wanted and looked around when he wanted. He melts my heart. His cousins liked holding him and he loved when they did. He hit 8 months the day we made it to Denver and that just sounds too old. His age has really been making me sad the last couple weeks, I love this stage. Bennett is just such a sweetheart and I want to remember how he is right now forever.

Lots of pictures from our week!

Benjamin and Bennett, cousin love.

Seriously, you guys. Little monkey.

Hannah and Bennett finally meeting.
Kendra, let's never forget when Hannah ran down the slide instead of sitting because that was amazing.

DaNae is the best, and I just really love that we are good at having baby boys at the same time.

Dawson is into the camera, Bennett is into his ear.

I love these girls so much!

Seeing these people made me so happy.

The reunion crew from CHS.

We had water balloons at the family picnic part of the reunion and Westin was so confused about the way they disappeared.

We got a free ice cream cone for filling up our car at this gas station on our way home. I made Westin run to the end of the sidewalk and back for every lick. You gotta burn that toddler energy in creative ways on 9-hour road trip days.

Yeah, this happened. Such a beautiful place. We were up at about 14,000 ft. in the alpine tundra zone.

He's so into food lately. He was all about this sandwich, but not super successful. Don't worry, I broke off little bits for him.

Moose and Baby

Daetwyler girls. Michael has such a great mom and sisters.

Anthon is Westin's oldest cousin on the Daetwyler side and I thought it was so cute how he helped Westin with hiking.

Alberta Falls

All the cute grandkids. I'm so impressed that all 31 of us made it out the door before 8am for hiking most days.

Bennett mostly just wanted to eat his Sheriff's badge.

Yes, Westin is peeing. "Superman peeing" has made our lives so much easier, thanks for the tip Jenny ;)

Friendly. Too friendly.

Nap time for Bennett, sweet little guy.

Before the elk encounter.

Thanks for helping us, Aunt Ali!

Time outs are the best form of discipline for Westin, and at home I give him time outs in his crib. When cribs aren't around and I threaten a time out, I can tell he knows I don't have the necessary resources. He looks at me and tilts his head and says, "What kind of time out?" At church on Sunday in Estes Park he really did need one, so this was Michael's spot. Michael showed me this picture and said, "This is where I gave Westin a time out. But he liked it."

I just love them.