One Dae at a Time: Me + Three

Monday, October 21, 2019

Me + Three

This week. I know how important it is to be grateful for what I have, live in the moment, appreciate the little things, and pause to recognize that these are the good days in a lot of ways.

But I also want to be real with my future self who will maybe someday miss and romanticize these baby days. Because oh how I will miss parts of the baby days (rocking a sleeping little Camden!). But this week was maybe the hardest week of mothering I've ever mothered through. It was the first week that I felt like three was getting the best of me. More like, the worst of me. Michael didn't see the boys from Sunday night to Friday night, and it was just a long, hard week at home.

So first I want to say my favorite moment with each person this week.

Michael: when I came home from church and saw that he had all my stroller tires off my stroller and patching up holes in my inner tubes. Motherhood makes acts of service your love language real fast, am I right?

Westin: this cutie has been stoked about his school carnival for a while now. On Friday I picked him up from school with his little brothers and we played on the playground until the carnival started at 4. I watched him hug friends from his class, jump in a bounce house, excitedly climb into a firetruck and garbage truck, and I had him turn in his class ticket for his prize by himself rather than have me do it for him, which took some persuading. But watching him at the carnival just made me really grateful he's having the happy experiences he's having and that he's still little. I was a little floored that sixth graders talk and act the way sixth graders talk and act now while there, and I just felt so happy to have an oblivious little 4-year-old who is so innocent and happy. I let them each choose a treat at the carnival before we went home to eat dinner and he chose a Spiderman ice pop with zero hesitation. Then Bennett chose the same thing and we walked home while they ate those so lovingly. It was so sweet.

Bennett: we have a booster seat in our Corolla, and I take that car to church on the Sundays I have meetings in the morning. Michael meets me there with the kids, and then we take both cars home. Sometimes Westin has come home with me, but this Sunday Bennett rode with me alone for the first time. He giggled the whole time. He felt so big. I realized how few alone moments I have with that little cutie and our 10-minute drive was just so fun and happy.

Camden: On Saturday morning Camden woke me up around 4:30 and I laid by him to feed him. Sometimes I'm tired enough to fall right back asleep but sometimes I'm in some sleep cycle spot that has me wide awake when we meet in the night :) That was one of those times. And for 60 minutes I just watched him eat then watched him sleep, and felt so grateful he's here and healthy and growing and adorable and mine. I love him so much.

Ok! I knew after I wrote those out it would soften me up. But this is also the week that Michael worked long days that felt like first year. He didn't see the boys from Sunday to Friday. He had to go in on Saturday night even though he wasn't even on call because someone's tongue came unstitched from the roof of their mouth (gross), so I was doing bedtime alone on the night I was sure I wouldn't be doing bedtime alone. Westin asked to do a Halloween craft about 5 times a day this week, even after we'd done multiple (ok, two) Halloween crafts during a week in which I felt zero ability to do Halloween crafts. He'd ask as soon as we'd walk in the house from doing this or that, which is always a hard transition with a baby that needs to be changed and fed or a Bennett that needs to go down for a nap, or needing to get ready for school. He and Bennett fought so hard. Camden napped so poorly multiple days. Here's a conversation I overheard to illustrate a part of this stage I won't miss, while Bennett and Westin were going potty (Bennett on his little one in the same bathroom as Westin on the regular toilet).

"Bennett, sit back down."

"Bennett, you're not supposed to lift that up, wait for mommy."
"Ew, Bennett, that just made a mess!"

"Bennett, you're stepping in it!"

"Bennett, do not touch me! There's poop on you Bennett!"

All while I'm stuck helping a crying baby while also, honestly, going to the bathroom myself for only the second time that day because #kids. And it's even kind of funny now to read that. But in the moment I just started crying. And could hardly find the energy to go and break up that fight, clean up that mess, disinfect all the infectedness, and put those brothers to bed. I didn't read to my kids enough this week. We didn't do enough Come Follow Me lessons. We didn't read the Friend once. We fought. I yelled. We all cried on the floor one day, all four of us at once.

This stage is hard.

But I had a blessing from Michael before going to the hospital to have Camden and in it he said, "Raising your children is the most important way you could be using all of your gifts and talents right now." It's really hard to feel that on some days. But I know that gratitude is the fix for that. I'm grateful I'm the one home with my boys. I'm grateful Michael and I have been on a road that's brought us closer because at times it tore us down. I'm grateful we know how to work hard together, even if we're not great at cooking together. :) I'm grateful my boys love me even if I disappoint them sometimes. I'm grateful residency is almost over. Oh how I'm grateful residency is almost over. I'm positive that not knowing our next step is making all current stress and sadness a little too magnified because I'm starting to feel more and more anxious about the unknown.

I almost sat down to just write down our this and thats this week -- Monday's physical therapy went well, Tuesday was a needed slow morning, Wednesday was cute dentist visits for the boys (no cavities! Winning at something!), Thursday is already forgotten, and Friday was the school carnival. Saturday we visited a cute fall festival with Michael and had our friends the Drews over for hot dogs and s'mores over a fire in our backyard.

If that's all I remembered about this week it'd be fine. But I want to remember how hard this all is, so that I can remember that I did it. And tomorrow I'll do it all again. Until someday I'll realize it's not quite as hard and they're not quite as small and I'll feel grateful for the easier times and nostalgia for the late night rocking chair moments. But no one's going to miss cleaning up the poop.