Total Heartbreak

This week was so heavy. Early Sunday morning I got a call from Kindal, which was unusual and I immediately was worried when I answered. It was her mom, letting me know that Carter had passed away in his sleep in the night. I was in total shock on my bathroom floor. Michael was at church at meetings already. My body just went through the motions getting my kids ready and getting them into church, feeling like I couldn't even fully comprehend or process that news until I could just manage to be alone.

I planned on getting through church and telling Michael after so that I wouldn't have to hold it together, but when I saw him I instantly fell apart. I left him and the kids in church and went out to my van, and laid on the floor of it and just sobbed. We had two cars at church but it never even crossed my mind that I could go home, it didn't even feel like something I was capable of. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for Kindal. Everything felt unreal and upside down and horrible. 

Michael came out after he managed to leave Asher in nursery (he still takes a good 30 minutes with one of us in there with him), and sat with me until church was almost over, and then I was able to drive home before everyone was done with classes. One of Kindal's friend's in St. George called me later that day and was my lifeline of information and knowing how Kindal was doing during those terrible first days. My heart hurts just writing this. Kindal has carried so much.

The week was just an absolute daze. I helped with the GoFundMe and a lot of sweet souls were really spreading and sharing Kindal's illustrations as a way to support her right now, which had me packaging hundreds and hundreds of book orders in my basement. That physical work felt numbing and so deeply bittersweet and I just lost myself in it most nights. We made plans to be at Carter's service that Saturday, and I worked closely with another friend from high school to coordinate some other ways to help Kindal and Rosie have what they need right now and in the coming months. Lisa is our senior class president and had some wonderful systems set up almost immediately, and I was so grateful for her clear headedness and the way she just gets things done. 

Tuesday was the day the news really was known and the GoFundMe launched and that day was so heart wrenching. Just endless messages of what happened, how can I help, how's Kindal, what can we do, what's next, questions I didn't have answers to and didn't have the strength to field, all while knowing they were all coming from a place of love and people are so good.

We left on Friday, after Michael worked that day and after watching Bennett and Westin in their acting camp play of Peter Pan. After our first two-hour leg I had to drive the rest of the way because my anxious energy just needed to do something besides sit. We made it to Ali's around midnight. 

The next morning Ali and Michael and I were planning to go to the service, while my boys were in Lehi. My parents would be meeting us in Deseret later at the Eliason family reunion and then coming home to my house the next day to watch my boys while I went to girls camp. I was already wondering if I could even mentally manage girls camp at that point, but knew it was something I should try to make happen. 

Early that morning, we found out my dad had gone to the hospital that night thinking he was having a heart attack. It turned out to be a pulmonary embolism, and he stayed there through the weekend to manage that and get some more tests done. We were so worried about him. And we were grateful he was getting help and that things weren't worse.

We made it to the service in Midway later that morning, and finally seeing Kindal and hugging each other is the absolute saddest moment of my life. My sweet friend. I just don't understand. I love her so much.

I don't know that I've ever felt heaven closer than at Carter's service. After Kindal and Rosie played a song together on their violin and cello, Kindal told us all that she used to hate wind but Carter gave her a kite every Easter, and every windy day he'd ask her if they should go fly one. So we'd brought dozens of kites that day and she wanted us to all fly them with Rosie after the service. While she shared those sweet thoughts there was absolutely zero wind, and I remember even feeling angry about that. But the second we picked up those kites and ran through the grass through cemetery, suddenly our hair was blowing in the wind and the kites were taking flight everywhere. The first one that took flight was Rosie's, and it was immediately surrounded again and again by a hawk flying around. Kindal and Carter named their little boy they lost a few years ago baby William Hawk Ridd. And they were just both there together, with Kindal and Rosie. That sweet family. I hate that they're apart. I hate that life feels upside down right now. I hate the heaviness Kindal has had to carry. She is such a light, even through it all.

Four of the kites broke off their handles and just kept flying. They didn't fall. They just kept going and all of their strings got caught in trees in the distance and those kites just kept flying, all while we were there being with each other. Sweet Rosie. I hope she can have memories of how close her dad and brother were that day, and countless more experiences of feeling them that close again.

I took a picture of the sky through my van window after crying in my car for over an hour.
There aren't many moments in life that I manage to truly "wrestle with God" from any source of emotion,
but that day I did. Sometimes "life isn't fair" just does not convey the pain, and it forces you to really come to terms with what you believe. It's a never-ending process.

Life keeps moving when your head is in a daze and your heart is broken.
These boys were patient with me this week. My eyes were constantly crying on and off, I was distant, I was short with them, I was sad. They were so sweet. They did swim team and acting camp and helped each other and prayed for Kindal and Rosie and even the little ones gave me plenty of extra hugs and kisses. Kids know.

Asher asked me more than ever this week, "Mama you play with me?" Because I think that's a two-year-old's way of trying to make you feel better.
We played a lot of this fishing game, where I'd mostly just watch him slowly catch them all.
He'd look up and always ask, "Are you cute, or sad?" Haha sweet boy. I guess I can't be both ;)

I love this family.

Love for Kindal, pouring in.
My boys packaged hundreds of books with me this week. They are so sweet to help so much.

Westin met his first swimming goal,
which meant picking anything he'd like at Sprouts.
In the end he couldn't decide between sushi or apricots, so we were wild and got both of them for lunch.

I got a babysitter for Friday and went and got my haircut,
which I never get a babysitter for. But I just finally knew I needed to be alone a little bit before we took our road trip that afternoon. I cried the whole way there and home, and even a lot in the chair, but hairdressers have luckily heard and seen it all and there wasn't any judgment :)

Pirate #1 in his acting debut!

And the little Lost Boy narrator.

Finally seeing Kindal. We just held each other for so long and she lost all her strength.
We have held each other up through so much but this just feels like so much.
I'm so sad for her.

I'll never hear Twinkle Twinkle Little Star the same.
These two are so loved, from here and from heaven.

I'll never forget flying these kites.
Heaven was just right here.

I am so anxious to see Kindal again and to figure things out one day at a time with her.

My brother's family had taken my kids down to Deseret with them to the Eliason family reunion,
then Michael and I rode down with the Boones to meet them all there.
Asher is always happy to be back with his daddy. 

Missing grandpa this weekend, happy he's getting to the bottom of what's been making him feel so fatigued and out of breath lately.

Passing my grandma's house will never not fill me with feelings.

This day was a lot.